Nothing is for free

When I first thought about it... 

I thought no... There must be something for free... 

Like mother's love for example. However, when I really drowned into thinking about that, I really found out that nothing is for free....

You see, everything you get, you pay for.

Either you pay for it materialistically or spiritually… 

In order to get anything, you will have to pay something in return... 

You pay money for the things you need to buy... 

You pay time, energy, and social life at work, to get money, career and to fulfill your dreams…

You pay your free will to choose items around the house, as a price for having someone to share this house with... 

Okay, so everything has a price... Super!

Friends and loved ones are not like that, right??

They are there whenever you need them...

In every corner of your life they will be there, trying to cheer you up in your downs and cheer long your side when you are happy... 

As much as I love this idea and truly want to believe it is true... It is not... 

Everyone wants something in return… Including you... 

Your friends and loved ones are there for you, because someday you were by their side when they needed you, or they know they can count on you if anything happens... 

So it is not really something materialistic that you can hold with your own hands... They want the spiritual income that would be given to them.

That does not make anyone evil, it is just the way things go, even if you deny it... 

Try for example to ignore calls from your friends, don't reply, don't text back, bail every time they hang out and see how they will react to this...

They will be mad... Because they expect that their friend will be there.. to hang out, talk or whatever.

Is this care?

Yes it is a kind of care.. But also, need for payback... (in a way or another).

You do this as well by the way, you are not an angel, you are a human being... 

It is all about the human relationships, give-take relations... 

Every relation, every kind and everything.

I am not sure why I am writing this now, and I don't know what I wrote but this is a topic has been in my head for a couple of days now....

Nothing is for free.

Cracked

Stages of Loss

It first starts with an emotionless look on ur face...

Where you don't quite understand what has just happened... 

This stage lasts for some time... 

Where you don't know what happened.. 

Where you think that, it is just your head,,,

Then comes the phase when you deny what you know deep in your heart,,,

You think that by your denial, things won't be as true as they really are... 

You refuse talking about it, believing that at any moment, something will happen to undo what is going on and that you will prove yourself wrong... 

Then there is this poker face again, when you start to realize it is true,,, he is no longer gonna be there again... He is gone forever..

That is when your emotions begin to surface, when the tears know the way to your eyes, when the pain takes your chest as a home... When the rage is all you know... 

You are now sure that he is not there anymore, that no one will come home again... You won't hear his key chain approaching to open the door... 

You won't play together, talk together, or eat together ever again... 

You won't hear him singing at night or have anymore bedtime stories that lets you sleep in peace... 

Then comes the same emotionless phase all over again... Where you try to calm yourself down... Tell yourself that everything is going to be fine... Life goes on... It is all about stages, steps I will have to take... 

This is when the real smile finally finds the door to your face and your heart... When your soul and mind come to peace...And only then you will begin to flower again... 

Broken hearted

Heaviness in your chest

The constant feeling that you are irritated and sad

Tears that never dry over your pillow at night

Nightmare and screams in your sleep

Songs that when you hear, you feel like crying...

Your breath that feels hard to take

The one person you think of in the begining of the day and before your sleep...

Insomnia... 

If you do have these symptoms, then you have a broken heart my friend... 

The feeling that no matter what you do, no matter where you'd be, you are still alone... 

No matter how many people you are hanging with or how many friends you know, they are not the person you'd rather be with... 

Noone can satisfy you... 

Nothing can replace that empty space in your heart...

The pain in your chest increases as time goes on and it gets heavier and heavier...

Your eyes are sad, tears come easy and the term happiness seems like a long forgotten expression, that you no longer understand or feel.. 

Like it has been dark since you were born... 

You see no colours, to you, everything lost its taste

There is no purpose of life...

You start taking a poker face with everyone, telling people you are fine, when you feel like dying inside... 

You go home everyday wishing to spend some more minutes with this person, smell his scent, watch his smile... 

This must be the end, you think...

There is no more future for me... 

It is not... 

The key to overcome this is to let your feelings out... With a friend, family or even with yourself, write it down, record what you feel, whatever that will make you comfortable...

Then comes the second part, where you understand that you are going through phases and that, there is no rushing... Take your time... 

Give yourself the time you need to let your feelings out, be okay with the facts and face them bravely...

Know that life takes things to give things, even if later... And also know that, life never stops for anyone... 

Time heals everything... And as time goes on... The pain will go away... Your broken heart will heal and your tears will stop and dry... 

Don't lose hope...

The incarnated desire

The Twin Flame

It is weird when you can feel someone, 

when they are not physically there... 

You can smell their scent...

You can feel their presence whenever you are alone.. 

You can sense their existence in your room all the time..

You could almost touch them...

If you wanted to..

You tell yourself that, it is just a fancy imagination and it is not really happening..

And when you do have something like that, 

It is really hard to tell the difference between reality and fantasies...

Your dreams become very clear about this specific person..

You have visions of him/her, which is as real as it could get.

Flashes of what he/she does now

You can easily feel some of the physical feelings he/she is experiencing right now...

That led me to thinking whether if it is a real thing?

Is it supernatural?

So I looked into this online and here is what I found...

Wikipedia said that there is something called a Twin flame concept...

Basically it means that sometimes the origin soul splits into two souls and those two souls long for each others whenever they are born creating a strong spiritual connection between those two souls.

It is a feeling of wholeness on a soul level... not on the usual physical level...

"A Twin flame is a spiritual (esoteric or New Age) concept describing a special soul connection between two souls. The twin flames are thought to be a template for an ancient/eternal type of relationship between lovers of any and all races or genders. The fundamental thought behind this concept is that the dawning new era in human spiritual evolution will be a time when relationships foster enhanced spiritual growth between lovers, whereas in previous times and still early in the 21st century couples stayed together for purposes of physical survival and economical safety more than anything else. According to the mythology of twin flames, in the beginning of time we were created from one source, that was split into smaller and smaller units down to two souls (and on rare occasions, halves of one soul) that would journey to Earth to learn and experience duality. They would reincarnate over lifetimes with this longing for each other."

So may be it is a soul connection and that, your real soul mate - not the ones we claim we have - is there, messed up the same you are, looking for you...

Experiencing those feelings definitely freak out people at the beginning, 

but as time goes by it gives you the feeling that you are not alone, 

that there is someone who is there whenever you are all alone...

Someone who plants serenity and tranquility in your heart and soul... 

You will get used to this later on, 

it will be as normal and easy as breathing..

It will be your special little thing that nobody believes you about... 

But you will adapt to it and it will be part of you..

  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twin_flame

Running

Running...

Breathing heavily... 

Running...

Can't see where she's heading...

Everything's blurring up..

Everything fades in dust... 

It's like she is walking on shaky grounds..

Everything is falling apart...

Nothing is in her sight ...

There is no where to go...

Will this rumble settle?

Will there be sun at the end?

Will she be able to see the light?

Will she make out anything out of the dust?

Running...
Panicking.. 

Breathing gets harder and harder...

She dreams of taking a deep, calm breath...

She is struggling for life... 

She just can't stop because she'll die if she does... 

Running... 

Sweat is all over her body and chest.. 

Running... 

She prays to God that it stops... 

What a Life!

What if the world was still the same since the time before man landed his feet on it...

Mmmmm

For me,, 

I think I would prefer to live somewhere by water,,

By the sea side... In a cave may be.. 

Where I could wake up everyday to the rhythm of sea waves 

crashing on the shore.. 

and there might be the sound of the wind blowing into a nearby field... 

Making the green leaves and grass move and join the melody of the sea waves steady rhythm.

It is amazing when anyone could wake up everyday by this enchanting natural music.

I would sit by the sea,, 

Have a simple breakfast by the sea, may be a coconut milk drink.. 

Smelling the fresh air and enjoying the quietness and relaxation..

By noon I would go sailing to get my lunch... 

And may be swim a little.. 

Returning to land, after catching what I would eat... I might just go for a walk in the field next to where I'd live.. 

Gathering some crops, may be some corn and berries.. 

Then sit under a tree to have lunch by the time the sun sets... On the beach...

And by night fall, 

I would lie next to my cave...

Watching the sky and stars all over ... While the sea waves are in the background... 

In such life, nature surrounds me everywhere,,, all I could see is vast areas and amazing sights.

Everything is intensified, and life is steady and having a slow rhythm, making everything more colorful and meaningful... 

Mmmm... 

What a life... 

Belonging

It feels really bad when you have something inside you and you can not really describe it to anyone, not even to yourself,,, and you can not take it out..

You don't even know what this is..
It is weird and you never felt like this before...

You try and try...
May be a hug will do?

Sometimes it does, and sometimes it does not.
Does it depend on the person giving you the hug?
May be it is not the hug itself that makes a difference, may be the feeling of belonging it creates,,,

Yes, I think this is it.

Belonging...

When you feel you belong to someone or somewhere... 

Like being connected and linked to this person or place.

You're attached...
It is not always a good thing, attachment..

But it is a small price you pay if you have to compare it to belonging...

Belonging... Hmmmm....
The word itself has a good effect.

Belonging is never finding yourself alone. 

Always having a way to share things, yourself, your dreams, even sharing your nonsensical talks without any kind of thinking, boundaries or walls..

Belonging is never worrying about the future, knowing that you will never get lost. 

It is like standing on solid ground... 

Having an origin point to your core..

Serenity and safety are results of the feeling of belonging...
It fills up the void inside..
Belonging is finding home...

Suffocating

Darkness is around her... 

Deep inside, she is scared...

She wants to run, but she knows no where... 

Panic takes over, and her face is calm... 

She walks down the dark road... with no light at the end... 

She is looking for a familiar face,,, to calm her riving soul.. 

Air gets thinner by every passing moment..

She can't breathe... 

She looks around with pleading eyes,, she is searching... anyone?! HELP!

She feels she is drowning in the air... 

With no one watching... No one there... 

He is looking for her.

He had a dream that he had to find her.. and something told him she is there... 

His breath getting hastier by every step he takes...

Suffocating as she goes...

He spots her... 

Watching from a distance... 

He sees through her and he knows she's scared... 

Her uncertain, pained path is interrupted by his glorious soul...

She has her eyes on him... 

All she could see is light...

He holds her in his embrace.. 

Everything is going to be alright, he says...

Tears are pouring from her eyes... 

He hugged her tighter…

To calm her soul... 

It is like the emptiness inside her was nothing... Like it never existed.. 

She feels safe... 

She could breathe again... 

Her soul is serene.

She had him… 

He is her protecting shield…

His scent is all she could breathe…

It is all she needs…

He raps his arms tighter around her…

She dozes into his presence, his embrace…

Feeling safe,,,

She closes her eyes...

Still in his arms…

And like a baby, she goes to sleep…

Shades...

As I was walking around on the sidewalk..... I saw some children playing.. Yelling and cheering... A little boy crying over a toy.. To his dad..
A mother walking taking the hand of her little girl who is barely at the length of her knees.. And who was looking at the world with such wonder in her eyes...

All I could think of is, how it is like to be a child...

Childhood is the forever kingdom, a kingdom where everything and anything is possible... The one place that nobody dies..
Everything is new... Everyday is Christmas..

Childhood is not being able to sleep the night before we go to the beach because of the overwhelming happiness..

Pure feelings..
Bold dreams...
The world by then is full of colours, sparks and joy...

Turning my sight from this colorful picture and gazing at the adults on the very same sidewalk...

All I could see is lost faces... Emotionless features.. Cold eyes... 

Shades... Walking, hurrying to catch something.. May be late for work, or late for some kind of commitment they have in their lives... May be catching nothing? Running chasing a mirage?

What happens through their lives to make them shift from being so colorful and playful to blacks and whites,,,

Responsibly may be?
Burdens of life? Bills?

I keep thinking hard of what makes people look like empty shells when they grow up..
I thought it might be responsibilities, may be putting food on the table, personal burdens and pains, the long journey of chasing dreams.. Losses...

May be because now they know that not everything is possible,,,
Not every where you look is light..
No more easy sparks,,,

May be because they realized that there is death and loss.. 

And that everything comes to an end... 

Not what they thought as children where everything just goes on and on...

Or may be these people I have seen are just tired and tomorrow they will be fine, 

I just caught them in a bad moment.. Who knows?

I decided to let that matter go, because I will never be able to tell what was the reason of the black and white versions I just witnessed..

Days later, I looked at myself, saw my reflection in the mirror ... 

And I am froze in my place as my picture was just shades... 

Just like the ones on the street..

The two words

Letting go...
These two words,,,

They have been spinning into my head for quite some time..

What does letting go really mean? Or stand for?!
Does it have to be for loved ones who died for example, when a person lets go of his grief?
Or is it related to things we can't do? So we have to let them go?
May be even letting go of our fears?
Or should it directly relate to hopes, dreams and lost love?!

Well, I am not really sure what it entirely stands for, what I am sure of is,,,
Life is an act of letting go... And that in most cases,, Letting go truly hurts..

To me,, It's like, having to cut one of your limps of you...
You don't really want to see yourself doing it... But sometimes it is the only choice you have got left,,,, In order to protect the remaining broken pieces of you from being shattered, in order to continue living..

I thought to myself, maybe it is all for a purpose… May be,, A person has to be in a place to be able to surely define what he wants and what he can and can't do in the future..

Reading what I wrote now, it seems like words weak person would be thinking of ... But I am sure now, it is not..

When you let go, you're stronger than ever... You are a better version of yourself.. A version that is looking for a brighter future...

But don’t get me wrong though,,, I am not really cheering for you guys to let go of what you can’t do or face.
letting go is not always the right thing to do.
You should be fighting for your dreams, your hopes… for what you believe in and what you care for. You should be facing your fears…

So, eventually there is a fine line between weakness and having to let go…

But for now, If you feel pain, Please,, You are not alone... Your bitterness won't last very long… And there will come a day when you feel free... 

It is much more than it looks.

Me and my pet

I hesitated alot before writing this... I mean, I am talking about my pet.. Will that be weird?!
And then, I thought... I don't really care... I love my pet and I am going to write about it... About some of our situations together....

My pet is a turtle, a red eared slider to be exact. I called him "Cake", and everyday, I feel so blessed to have it in my life..

When I see Cake, I see pure cuteness and innocence..

He has a poker face all the time, because it is a turtle and it doesn't really have expressions.. Lol!

When I first got him, he used to fear me.. Whenever I get close to him, he just would either swim away or insert his head inside... He was so cute doing so...
As days went by, he got used to my face, he knows who I am...

In the beginning, It was really hard for me to know how to take care of him, feed him and a whole bunch of other stuff. And as a turtle, it needs alot of care..
But, Cake helped me, YES, HE DID!

I put his food near the aquarium, and whenever he feels hungry, he swims by the side that's near the food!

Whenever he sees me putting his food he waits and eats whatever I put to him.. He doesn't like strawberries much though.. :D

In cold times, he goes by the water heater and settles either under it or over it.. God he is so cute doing so...

Once, he got sick, I was so worried about him, so I took him to the vet... And the vet told me that cake caught a cold..

It was really hard for me to see him sick.. He didn't eat much and he was so quite.. And I was really worried all the time, afraid I would lose him... But things got better and he is fine now..

I love him so much that I decided that when he grows bigger and older, I might try to let him live back in his home.. But I am not really sure if it is good for him or not... But if it is, I will definitely do this for him...

My pet has been there for me, when things got dark and he was the one thing that made me happy...
I love everyday when he is here..  And I enjoy every moment, thankful he is here..

Pursuit of dreams

Dreams..
When we are young, we have so many dreams..
So many dreams that we get confused which one we are going after..

I want to be a doctor, an astronaut, I want to see Mickey Mouse, I want to live forever, I want to own a castle...

Childhood is a kingdom where everything is possible and doable. There is no limits to our abilities. There is no I can do this and I can not.
There is no difference between reality and fantasies... They are all the same.

We have so many ambitions..
As time goes by, we happen to lose them gradually...Until we have may be one or nothing at all when we have the time and the abilities to fulfil one...
When we grow older there come a solid definition to truth, reality and also fantasies..
We categorize every dream we have, the ones that seem okay, we pursuit it.. The ones that are weird, most of us -not everyone-  just let go of it, considering it weird.

What if it is truely weird?
Will it pay the bills?
What if I don't make it?
What about people around me?
Will they think I am weird?
Will they support my decision if I choose to go after my dream?
Will they be judging if I don't make it?

God is here,
Sees all
Knows all... 
You don't have to show anyone your real intentions...
You don't have to explain...
Believe that you are your own judge..
You don't need to think of other people..
Their unstoppable judging..
Their killing looks...
You are your own jugde..
You don't need any of them to tell you, what to do, what not to do..
Will any of them be here when you are in a true moment of despair or need?
Will anyone care if you're the best? Or the worst?

You need to know that something as well... You might think about losing money, you might lose hope at some point... You might even think you are going to lose people... You would be thinking if it is all for a good reason...

By then remember that, you need only to follow your dreams..
Pursuit them... Be into them...
If noone is going to push you to go on... Then you be your own pusher...
Push yourself further everyday.. No, not everyday... Every moment.. With each breath you take..

Know that your dream is worth fighting for.. Know that people who care for you, will be sticking around.. Even if you don't know. When the skies clear,, you will see things clearly.
Know that noone will put you up on your feet except you..
Believe you can do it, with time, working hard, and dedicated mind and heart you will!

HAPPINESS

Happiness... 

The rushing feeling though your body and heart,,,,
Makes you want to jump up smiling for no reason, go crazy dancing or singing loud out of nowhere, in a place full of people...
It is one of the most desired feelings among people.. And many pursue it..
It is one of the hardest things to acquire in your life, if you are not prepared enough for it. 

But really, other than physical or very obvious feelings... What is happiness?
I asked myself that question, I knew what it was for me...  Asked a few people...
But we all Google things eventually...
When I did Google it .. this is what happiness meant:
The state of being happy.
"she struggled to find happiness in her life"

It is what Google said about happiness, and what is more shocking and I didn't even know is that the word "happiness" was mentioned in the 1800s much more than it is mentioned now!!

I thought a lot, why the example Google got was that she struggled to find happiness in her life... Why didn't it say, she saw happiness in the eyes of a boy playing, or she found happiness when she sang... 

Why is the curve going down?!

Definitely the world now is much more civilized and should be much happier now that everything is available.. at least more than before. 

 It was somehow depressing but, I decided I would ask anyone I meet about the definition of happiness to him or her ...
Here are some examples of what the word happy means to some human beings,

Finding an old fashion magazine.
A look in my woman's eyes.
The smiles of my children.
The good relation between me and my wife.
Cooperation between me and my colleagues and work done smoothly.
When my favourite team wins.
Quality time with my best friends.
Honesty, bravery, and sacrifice.
Playing with my dog.
Singing and playing instruments with friends.
A good match.
Lyrics that cut deep into me.
A great movie.
Interstellar.
Hearing my husband saying I'am home.
Dreaming of the late people and knowing they are just fine.
My prayers.
Acing my exams.
Just watching T.V. with my wife and kids at night.
A cry over my girl's shoulders without being judged.
Saving a child.
A talk with my best friend.
Travelling the world.
Ice cream.
Teasing my beloved people and joking around.
Giving people.

Those are some of many answers I received upon asking the question, what is happiness?
I couldn't help but notice, is that some of these answers are really deep but yet very simple.

So why is the curve still going down?

What makes us more miserable than our ancestors is that, we are always craving what we do not have. Focusing our heads on the "what if" and the "could have been". With all the technologies and the progress we are in, we are incapable to do what our ancestors could do.

 I found out that, the key point of finding happiness and feeling it, is by finding yourself. Explore your needs, expose your vulnerabilities, find what truly satisfies you and makes you content and happy.  

Let go, concentrate on the positive things in your life. Be sad sometimes, but do not give so much time to grief. Remember you will only live once, and if you can't make yourself happy now, no one can help with that. Dance when you want to dance, sing when you feel like signing. See the good in every bad. Smile when you are at your darkest moments. Know deep inside you, that, after rain there is a rainbow... And know that deep inside you, you can be happy... YOU can make it happen. :) 

Love is hard

Love is hard,,, a sentence I didn't know how absurd and wrong it is up till now..
Love is not hard... Love is not complicated...

We tend to see the things in our own way... Things are our reflection indeed..

So if I say that love is hard, then I am hard.. If I say love is complicated, then am complicating things up..

Not just love, pretty much every feeling between human beings is treated and looked at the same way..

If two people love and care for each other, doesn't have to be love as people in love, it can be a mother with her son or daughter, two friends, etc...
The first one can verbally express what he/she feels and the other one can not..
This doesn't mean that the second one doesn't have anything to say, it means that this person is different in expressing..
May be he/she express their feelings through painting, may be through writing, may be through caring in a certain way...

Here is what makes it an issue..

The first one who can actually verbally show, gets mad at the second one.. Thinking that he/she is emotionless and careless...
Which is totally wrong but the truth to him/her is unseen..
Afterwards, because it is hard for people to change (or change relatively  fast), people end up in fights, quarrels, debates and they find themselves trapped into a dead ended road.. Leading, eventually,  to losing each other.. 

The key point to this, is doing what u are able to do, expect that people are different. And accept it. So finding someone who does things exactly the way you do might be a tricky one to find. Understand people the way they are.. Love them the way they are.. Don't try to complicate things or overthink it.. 

And may be, you will at least have your peace of mind...

Confusion :)

Is it weakness
Or is it pain
Is it suffering
Is it all in vain
Does it end
Or does it flow
Forever may be
Noone knows
Emptiness crawls inside
Numbness is there outside
Everything blurs
And slowly fades
All but your face, it stays
Carved in my mind
Tattooed on my heart
But its all in vain
And you know what
I don't care
Coz your smell is all I inhale
Deep inside me I know
That wherever I go you'll be here
And whatever I feel you'll be there
But suddenly I fear
Is it weakness
Or is it pain