The beacon of light

I was listening the other day to a piece of music that reminded me so much of someone...
The music was so strongly composed...
Moving forward, and rich...
Yet at some point, it has a touch of emotion and sadness..

I don't know...
This is how I felt it was...

This piece of music made me feel like I want to keep this person all the time cherished and loved.. For the rest of my life...

After all, I know what this person had to endure for me..
What they managed to overcome to become what they are..
What they had to forgive of my own personal mistakes, that affected them personally, directly or indirectly...

Regardless to all the difficulties they had to face in the world....
They still smile!

How can a person carry the whole weight of the world on his own shoulders and still have the capability of smiling??!!
Not just smiling, it is not... But actually the ability to transfer and infect others with the same exact smile and what's more.. HOPE...

Strong.. Like a mountain...
Inspiring...
Hope giver...
Supporter..
Respectful...
Caring...
And above all, happiness and comfort infectious.

If you ever had this person in your life (few or just one), never let go of them.. For they are the beacon of light to everyone around them...

I am just lucky and blessed to have  this amazing bright spot in my life...


P.S.  Here is the piece of music I mentioned above, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z01N1V4quTw&feature=youtu.be

The Paper Cutter

I held out my hand today 

And with the other hand I held a paper cutter.. 

I stared for more than five minutes at both..

I started pressing on my veins with the paper cutter... 

Made a small cut...

There is nothing in life that is so urging to continue breathing.

Colorless,,, tasteless world.

Nothing is tempting me to stay...

The purpose of life?

Thought a lot about it, still thinking though

I am trying hard to get to a compelling reason to be here... Breathing...

Am I considered really alive if I breathe but not mentally here?
If my heart is pounding but my soul is elsewhere?
If I do not have any more dreams?
If everything smells and tastes the same?
If it is always night?

I really don't know...

On the other hand, if I let the paper cutter do the work I want it to do...
What will happen on the other side...
What happens if I die?
Another phase of endless nights, may be?
Eternal silence and emptiness.
Hell?

Figured out that with the paper cutter is somehow like without it.
Limbo... Emptiness...
It is only a matter of phases.
This phase is the living world, the next one, who knows?

So I decided to put the paper cutter down
and face this world, for now... 

Locked

When the eyes dry...

No more tears to fall.. 

But the heart is still aching... 

No more tears to shed... 

And looking back is not an option anymore... 

It hurts... 

Worst part is,
You never saw it coming.. 

You trusted.. 

You dreamed.. 

You believed.. 

You hoped.. 

You fell in love... 

Now struggling is all you know.. 

Inside your head and out.. 

Why?! 

You don't know.. 

Your heart's burning.. 

Torn apart every night... 

Shredded.. 

Yes.. 

But what can you do?

You have been a fool..
And you know.. 

Bury your pain deep inside your aching heart.. 

And wait for what the days hide..

Nothing is for free

When I first thought about it... 

I thought no... There must be something for free... 

Like mother's love for example. However, when I really drowned into thinking about that, I really found out that nothing is for free....

You see, everything you get, you pay for.

Either you pay for it materialistically or spiritually… 

In order to get anything, you will have to pay something in return... 

You pay money for the things you need to buy... 

You pay time, energy, and social life at work, to get money, career and to fulfill your dreams…

You pay your free will to choose items around the house, as a price for having someone to share this house with... 

Okay, so everything has a price... Super!

Friends and loved ones are not like that, right??

They are there whenever you need them...

In every corner of your life they will be there, trying to cheer you up in your downs and cheer long your side when you are happy... 

As much as I love this idea and truly want to believe it is true... It is not... 

Everyone wants something in return… Including you... 

Your friends and loved ones are there for you, because someday you were by their side when they needed you, or they know they can count on you if anything happens... 

So it is not really something materialistic that you can hold with your own hands... They want the spiritual income that would be given to them.

That does not make anyone evil, it is just the way things go, even if you deny it... 

Try for example to ignore calls from your friends, don't reply, don't text back, bail every time they hang out and see how they will react to this...

They will be mad... Because they expect that their friend will be there.. to hang out, talk or whatever.

Is this care?

Yes it is a kind of care.. But also, need for payback... (in a way or another).

You do this as well by the way, you are not an angel, you are a human being... 

It is all about the human relationships, give-take relations... 

Every relation, every kind and everything.

I am not sure why I am writing this now, and I don't know what I wrote but this is a topic has been in my head for a couple of days now....

Nothing is for free.

Cracked

Stages of Loss

It first starts with an emotionless look on ur face...

Where you don't quite understand what has just happened... 

This stage lasts for some time... 

Where you don't know what happened.. 

Where you think that, it is just your head,,,

Then comes the phase when you deny what you know deep in your heart,,,

You think that by your denial, things won't be as true as they really are... 

You refuse talking about it, believing that at any moment, something will happen to undo what is going on and that you will prove yourself wrong... 

Then there is this poker face again, when you start to realize it is true,,, he is no longer gonna be there again... He is gone forever..

That is when your emotions begin to surface, when the tears know the way to your eyes, when the pain takes your chest as a home... When the rage is all you know... 

You are now sure that he is not there anymore, that no one will come home again... You won't hear his key chain approaching to open the door... 

You won't play together, talk together, or eat together ever again... 

You won't hear him singing at night or have anymore bedtime stories that lets you sleep in peace... 

Then comes the same emotionless phase all over again... Where you try to calm yourself down... Tell yourself that everything is going to be fine... Life goes on... It is all about stages, steps I will have to take... 

This is when the real smile finally finds the door to your face and your heart... When your soul and mind come to peace...And only then you will begin to flower again... 

Broken hearted

Heaviness in your chest

The constant feeling that you are irritated and sad

Tears that never dry over your pillow at night

Nightmare and screams in your sleep

Songs that when you hear, you feel like crying...

Your breath that feels hard to take

The one person you think of in the begining of the day and before your sleep...

Insomnia... 

If you do have these symptoms, then you have a broken heart my friend... 

The feeling that no matter what you do, no matter where you'd be, you are still alone... 

No matter how many people you are hanging with or how many friends you know, they are not the person you'd rather be with... 

Noone can satisfy you... 

Nothing can replace that empty space in your heart...

The pain in your chest increases as time goes on and it gets heavier and heavier...

Your eyes are sad, tears come easy and the term happiness seems like a long forgotten expression, that you no longer understand or feel.. 

Like it has been dark since you were born... 

You see no colours, to you, everything lost its taste

There is no purpose of life...

You start taking a poker face with everyone, telling people you are fine, when you feel like dying inside... 

You go home everyday wishing to spend some more minutes with this person, smell his scent, watch his smile... 

This must be the end, you think...

There is no more future for me... 

It is not... 

The key to overcome this is to let your feelings out... With a friend, family or even with yourself, write it down, record what you feel, whatever that will make you comfortable...

Then comes the second part, where you understand that you are going through phases and that, there is no rushing... Take your time... 

Give yourself the time you need to let your feelings out, be okay with the facts and face them bravely...

Know that life takes things to give things, even if later... And also know that, life never stops for anyone... 

Time heals everything... And as time goes on... The pain will go away... Your broken heart will heal and your tears will stop and dry... 

Don't lose hope...