فنجان القهوة

من الغريب أن يُحضر فنجان صغير من القهوة ذكريات لا تُحصى من زمن بعيد..

ها أنا أحتسي بضعة رشفات من فنجان القهوة الصغير..

الذي أعددته بنفسي...

ووجدت نفسي غارقة في ذكريات قديمة...

أستطيع أن أقول أنها كانت جميلة وممتعة..

كانت هذه أيام دراستي ..

وكان طلب القهوة بمثابة إحتفال صغير بين الأصدقاء..

كنا جميعنا نتصارع على من سيحظى بأول رشفة من الفنجان... أو الكوب الزجاجي انذاك..

الكثير من المواقف تحضُرني الأن...

لا يمكنني أن أصف مشهد السعادة والبهجة الذي أراه الأن في مُخيلتي..

لقد كانت جنة نعيشها على الأرض في تلك الزاوية الصغيرة بمبني الكلية.

الكثير من المداعبات والضحك.. النظرات المسروقة الخفية...

لحظات الخجل والدلال.. والسخافة المُفتعلة في بعض الأحيان الأخرى.

لم أكن أدري أن الأوقات التي كنت أقضيها في الجامعة والدراسة، ستصبح من أجمل الأوقات التي حظيت بها...

ولم أكن أعلم أن الوقت سينتهي،،،
وأنه سيأتى الزمن الذي سأضطر فيه إحتساء القهوة بمفردي.. 

كانت تلك الأيام الأجمل،،،

تلك التي لم أهتم فيها كثيراً ولم يكن لأي شئ وزن سوى قضاء الوقت بحرية ولعب ودلال..

يتطاير الوقت، ويمر الزمن... وينتهي كل شئ..

ولا يتبقى سوى فنجان القهوة الصغير، ليذكرنى...

Father

Today i almost forgot you are not here anymore

I grabbed my phone, was going to call you....
But then I came to my senses...

I wish that when i miss you, 

I could dial your number and call

I wish i could tell you 

All that burdens me 

And all what goes inside

All the fire and the screams... 

I wish you could be here to guide me

Hug me and wipe away my pain... 

Father... i miss you 

I do... 

As life goes on and on

The depth of me missing you increases.. 

A crack... 

that is really hard to fix.. or fill...

i never thought this is how life would turn out like... 

coz when you were here... 

it felt like a dream

Perfect in every way... 

But now you are not here 

And life is not really fair... 

But finally, soon we will meet and we will have eternity together to spend... :) 

The Undefined

It will never be defined...
Somethings are never meant to be..
It only depends on what you can see
what you can feel and picture
in your head and between your rips..

Sometimes it is an overwhelming feeling,,
when you walk towards something
That you can not really tell what it is

It feels like an enchantment
that plays with your heart
and fools with your soul
Makes you want to get closer,
and you are totally unaware of what awaits..

Only when you approach
is when you know...

The drawing below, has nothing to do what is written above,
but you can see it however your head goes to.

Leaf blown in the wind

The moment when you wake up one day to realize,
you made all the wrong choices about your life.
when you suddenly feel the ground vanishing from under your feet,
and that no matter what you do,
you can never undo what you have done.

The choices you made,
The sacrifices you offered!
The effort and amount of energy you gifted...

Sorrow, and regret ...
for all the things you could have done..
for all the things you could have said ..
No matter what happens, you can not rewind time.

All the tears that have been shed,
The shattered heart...
all the nerves that have been burned,, and for what?
For the nonsense, for all to be wasted in vain.

You find yourself,
Ignored, not even missed,,,
No one acknowledges what you have done for them..
No one sees.
Even the closest... the bonded...
All in vain.

You are going down
deep down,
and you know quite well
that no one will catch you
before you hit the rock bottom..
and you can not help yourself,
because simply it does not matter anymore..

You feel like a leaf blown in the wind
and there is nothing you want to do about it..
Not because you can not do anything..
Because it does not matter anymore.

Indifferent

God this indifferent feeling

Like nothing is working anymore 

Nothing and No one... 

Not even the closest

All the noise in my head

And all the pain in my chest

With a poker face

Nothing affects me...

Nothing makes me happy or sad 

Nothing ?! 

Is it me? 

Am I the wrong one and this world is innocent? 

Or is it really how I see it? 

A cold, lonely, and a miserable place to live in,,, 

Even if it is for a short period of time... 

What happens if I go? 

A person with a continuously decreasing influence? 

And what happens if I die? 

Will it make any difference? 

Will anyone stop and notice? 

Life never stops and it will always go on

But will anyone remember me? 

Even for a little bit of time? 

مرحلة ال ولا حاجة

معرفش دي مرحلة كل الناس بتعدي عليها ولا لأ

بس انا بالتأكيد جت علي فترة ال ولا حاجة

خليني فالأول اشرح ايه اللي انا اقصده بمرحلة ال ولا حاجة... 

باختصار شديد بتدخل في حته مش مظلمة، بس مش مضيئة... 

مش مبسوط، بس فل يعني، مش متضايق

احلامك وطموحاتك بتبقى مش موجودة 

مالكش نفس تعمل حاجة

كله عادي 

البني ادميين اللي حاوليك برضه مهما كنت بتحبهم بيبقى عادي لو شوفتهم او لأ...

بيبقى كله... تمام... صباح الفل يعني...

المرحلة الجميلة دي... بتبقى حتى مش واخد بالك من الوقت فيها... 

تقدر تقول انك وقعت في ثقب اسود -واسمحولي اقولكم ثقب اسود كده في نص الكلام- ولا عارف تخرج منه ولا عارف ايه اللي جابك هنا اصلاً

(وقعت يا قلبي ومحدش سمى عليك) 

المرحلة دي من اقذر الحاجات اللي ممكن تحصل لأي حد... صراحة انا مش عارفة ده بيبقى تشخيصه اكتئاب ولا ايه ... بس انا شايفاها ان الجسم بيبقى زي الكمبيوتر كده.... لو الضغط زاد قوي عليه... بيفصل... 

انا شايفاها كده، ان جسمك ومخك بيجبروك انك تفصل ، علشان تعرف تكمل.... 

حلو قوي الكلام ده.. انا بكتب الكلام ده ليه بقى؟! 

ده سؤال حلو معنديش إجابة عليه الحقيقة... 

عمتم مساءاً

Life is short!

I have cried a lot...
I am twenty six years old and I have cried alot!

Lot of years...
Lost for grief and mourning
Years I never knew were not coming back
I have mourned for more years that I can count....

And you know ,,,
Time flies...
Really flies

Ten years ago feels like yesterday...

When my dad was here,,, 

When I was carefree
When I was really happy

I never loved studying,
It was exhausting and stressful all the way
But when looking back at it
I found it was " the good old days"

I was cruising through the streets and I found a lot of colourful trees,
There was an amazing piece of music and good company...

My mind drifted that, life is beautiful... and it is also short...
So short that years that have passed long ago feel like yesterday!

The beauty of the life -if we managed to see it- lies within the fact that it is short,
that we shouldn't waste any minute, any moment grieving for people who left,
or grieving for stuff we lost...

The beauty of life lies within a mom's voice or smile...
Or may be just a good laugh with the loved ones
Camp fire
An art masterpiece
A good travel
An early workout

As long as you are enjoying the moment and
living into the present,
not grieving for the past,
not worrying about the future,,,
It will be okay...